Toilet Paper

 I recently had an encounter with toilet paper. This may seem like an odd statement since we “encounter” toilet paper every day. This “encounter” was different however. It was thin. It was… Single Ply. “I love the Single Ply ” you may say. Well I’m here to tell you, “I hate the Single Ply.” Honestly, I didn’t know the Single Ply still existed. I mean, at this point  in time, we have animated bears telling us how they only use the softest toilet paper for their bums. Quadruple Ply! “So surely the Single Ply must be extinct!” FALSE.

There are three major situations when we would encounter toilet paper. There may be more, but I’ll stick with these three:

1) Private Use

2) Public Use

3)The “Semi-Private, Semi-Public” use. A.K.A. “Rolling”

1) The most recent experience with the terrible Single Ply. I really don’t want to get into a lot of details, due to the privacy of the matter, so I will speak in generalities. Someone uses the restroom. That someone needs a good wipe. You can imagine the disappointment when that someone  reaches for the toilet paper and pulls out the normal 5.9 sheets, and is greeted with “Single Ply.” “Hello!” he says. “NOOOOOO!!!!” I yell. I, I mean, someone, then realizes that the standard 5.9 squares is not going to be enough. That someone then has to measure out two feet  before he even feels comfortable attempting the wipe. REPEAT. TWICE. What a waste.

2) Public restrooms are already uncomfortable. Single Ply only makes it worse. Single Ply only leads to this…..

3) Rolling. I’ve rolled a few houses, mostly in my high school years. All in my high school years. If you use single ply, it just won’t stay. The wind will blow it away. The rain will disintegrate it. Anything that happens outside will destroy it.

Bottom Line: Single Ply, the worst.

For all your toilet paper history and stats go to: http://komar.cs.stthomas.edu/qm425/01s/Tollefsrud3.htm

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