Toilet Paper

 I recently had an encounter with toilet paper. This may seem like an odd statement since we “encounter” toilet paper every day. This “encounter” was different however. It was thin. It was… Single Ply. “I love the Single Ply ” you may say. Well I’m here to tell you, “I hate the Single Ply.” Honestly, I didn’t know the Single Ply still existed. I mean, at this point  in time, we have animated bears telling us how they only use the softest toilet paper for their bums. Quadruple Ply! “So surely the Single Ply must be extinct!” FALSE.

There are three major situations when we would encounter toilet paper. There may be more, but I’ll stick with these three:

1) Private Use

2) Public Use

3)The “Semi-Private, Semi-Public” use. A.K.A. “Rolling”

1) The most recent experience with the terrible Single Ply. I really don’t want to get into a lot of details, due to the privacy of the matter, so I will speak in generalities. Someone uses the restroom. That someone needs a good wipe. You can imagine the disappointment when that someone  reaches for the toilet paper and pulls out the normal 5.9 sheets, and is greeted with “Single Ply.” “Hello!” he says. “NOOOOOO!!!!” I yell. I, I mean, someone, then realizes that the standard 5.9 squares is not going to be enough. That someone then has to measure out two feet  before he even feels comfortable attempting the wipe. REPEAT. TWICE. What a waste.

2) Public restrooms are already uncomfortable. Single Ply only makes it worse. Single Ply only leads to this…..

3) Rolling. I’ve rolled a few houses, mostly in my high school years. All in my high school years. If you use single ply, it just won’t stay. The wind will blow it away. The rain will disintegrate it. Anything that happens outside will destroy it.

Bottom Line: Single Ply, the worst.

For all your toilet paper history and stats go to: http://komar.cs.stthomas.edu/qm425/01s/Tollefsrud3.htm

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The Little Riders Promo

I have been getting comments about how intense the Little Riders Club is. “I don’t know if I’m up for it.” “Bikes are too expensive.” “That’s crazy!” So, I hired my friend here to give a little encouragement to all those who feel inadequate to join Little Riders.

The Little Riders

I started a club. The Little Riders Club. It currently has two members. Myself, and dare I say it, Jose Trevino. Now, you don’t have to be little to join. Being six-foot four, people always ask me if I play basketball. “Ha ha, no.” I tell them. “I want to be a jockey.” That normally shuts people up. They either find my sarcasm funny, or they don’t know what a jockey is. End. As I was saying, you don’t have to be little to join The Little Riders. You don’t have to even be a rider for that matter. We would like you to be though. Because, if you aren’t, then you won’t be able to participate in anything this club stands for or believes in.

Motto: ADVENTURE!

Team Prayer: God, keep us safe, give us strength, keep us safe. AMEN

Goal: Tour de Irving

Government: Just like church. Elder led. Jose is head elder. I am the other one. No title.

Little Riders Lingo: Overdrive – third gear. Stealth – second gear. Climb – first gear.

Upon reading our motto, let  me tell you of some of our adventures as of late……

First Ride. We decide to take it easy since, it is my first time. Our first trip we ride six miles. This is a very good pace for beginners. It was glorious. Relaxed. Beautiful scenery. Just good old-fashioned fun. On our second ride for that day, we ride another ten miles. On our way, we battle a skunk. We won. Now, I realize that some readers reading this might be big fans of skunks. So when I say that we battled a skunk, what I mean is that we raced one. While we were riding we see this little, black ball running along the trail. As we approach, we realize what it is. Skunk. We then kick it into overdrive and ride as fast as we can. We didn’t know if the skunk was in attack mode or just running along the trail. It doesn’t matter. We won. Total distance: 16 miles

Second Ride. We decide to pick it up a bit for this ride. We didn’t know when to stop. So we kept going. We were having a really good time until we saw them. Dogs. Big ones. So we went to battle. Now, I realize that some readers reading this might be big fans of dogs. So when I say we battled the dogs, what I mean is that we ran for our lives. We kicked it into overdrive and made a u-turn. The intense wide, but fast u-turn led us into the forest. It was very hard to go fast while riding over mountainous terrain, and logs, and leaves, and grass. But, once back  on trail, we turn it on. I almost got bit. It was scary. I’m not going to lie about that. Dogs won. Total distance: around 30 miles.

Third Ride. We try a new trail this time. When we get there though the gate is closed. Trail off-limits. Do we let that stop us? No, of course not. Why would I build it up with a question like that just to say yes. Once we passed the point of no return, the gate, we head out. As soon as we start we see a spy plane from the local government department of parks and recreation. Now, this might not be true, because I highly doubt that the local government department of parks and recreation has a spy plane that catches night riders.  Regardless, we battled it. Jose and I kicked it into stealth mode and stayed in the shadows. We never saw it again. Win for the Little Riders. Take that parks and recreation…..(I don’t think anybody really cares about the parks and recreation department so I”m not going to defend it.) We continue on. Honestly there’s nothing like riding under a major highway overpass. There’s jut something about the night breeze and the crickets and the frogs and the cars zooming over your heads at deathly speeds. It’s from the Lord. Everyone should experience it. On our way home, we have to cross a major intersection. HONK. HONK. I turn around and see two cholos in a pick up truck. We battle them. Now, I realize that some readers reading this blog might be big fans of cholos. So when I say we battled the cholos, I really mean we had spat of words.  “Hey man, ya’ll look kinda gay wearing the same color shirts.” (me) “Oh, we’re just wearing what we have.” (the cholo) “Hey man I’m just looking out for you.” he says as points his finger at me and does one of those clicking sounds with his mouth. “Oh, thanks man I appreciate it.” Yes, we were both wearing teal shirts. It’s good to wear those colors at night because, they are reflective. It was just what we had at the time. Outcome of battle: stalemate. Nobody won. Total distance: unknown???

So, there you have it. If you want to be apart of our adventures, please do. No registration needed. Only a bike. And a will.

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