Toilet Paper

 I recently had an encounter with toilet paper. This may seem like an odd statement since we “encounter” toilet paper every day. This “encounter” was different however. It was thin. It was… Single Ply. “I love the Single Ply ” you may say. Well I’m here to tell you, “I hate the Single Ply.” Honestly, I didn’t know the Single Ply still existed. I mean, at this point  in time, we have animated bears telling us how they only use the softest toilet paper for their bums. Quadruple Ply! “So surely the Single Ply must be extinct!” FALSE.

There are three major situations when we would encounter toilet paper. There may be more, but I’ll stick with these three:

1) Private Use

2) Public Use

3)The “Semi-Private, Semi-Public” use. A.K.A. “Rolling”

1) The most recent experience with the terrible Single Ply. I really don’t want to get into a lot of details, due to the privacy of the matter, so I will speak in generalities. Someone uses the restroom. That someone needs a good wipe. You can imagine the disappointment when that someone  reaches for the toilet paper and pulls out the normal 5.9 sheets, and is greeted with “Single Ply.” “Hello!” he says. “NOOOOOO!!!!” I yell. I, I mean, someone, then realizes that the standard 5.9 squares is not going to be enough. That someone then has to measure out two feet  before he even feels comfortable attempting the wipe. REPEAT. TWICE. What a waste.

2) Public restrooms are already uncomfortable. Single Ply only makes it worse. Single Ply only leads to this…..

3) Rolling. I’ve rolled a few houses, mostly in my high school years. All in my high school years. If you use single ply, it just won’t stay. The wind will blow it away. The rain will disintegrate it. Anything that happens outside will destroy it.

Bottom Line: Single Ply, the worst.

For all your toilet paper history and stats go to: http://komar.cs.stthomas.edu/qm425/01s/Tollefsrud3.htm

“Pfft” How to Express Your Feelings

Are you utterly frustrated beyond all reason? Are you excited to the extreme? Have you ever been embarrassed till you die?

We all feel these emotions from time to time. We all feel any emotion from time to time for that matter. And often times we don’t know how to express them accurately.

That’s why I invented “Pfft” (actually inspired by Hot Rod, which was inspired by Luke Webster). It’s the phrase you can use to express any emotion. Let me explain.

Here our young Rod used “Pfft” to cover his embarrassment. Our young Kathy had no idea he was embarrassed. Remember, you can use it for any emotion. “Hey bro, we only have one more hour of work left before we go home.” “Pfft, cuur, shhhhh, ffffff, ggguuhhhh.” It’s more effective when you add more sounds. It firmly drives the point home. Get creative. How about for frustration: “Hey bro I’m really sorry, but I believe you’re a liar. “Pfft cuur, stoooo, fffff.” It sounds silly on paper, but that is why I have provided some real life testimonials.

“It’s powerful!” “It actually works!” “It surprisingly releases a lot of stress.” “I use it at work all the time!” “Works great!”

You may see other similar products for 500 dollars, but not here. You won’t pay 500 dollars. Not even 499. Not even 300. Not even 200. Not even 1 dollar. That’s right folks, you can get this amazing product for the low, low cost of losing your dignity. Unbelievable!

The Little Riders Promo

I have been getting comments about how intense the Little Riders Club is. “I don’t know if I’m up for it.” “Bikes are too expensive.” “That’s crazy!” So, I hired my friend here to give a little encouragement to all those who feel inadequate to join Little Riders.

The Little Riders

I started a club. The Little Riders Club. It currently has two members. Myself, and dare I say it, Jose Trevino. Now, you don’t have to be little to join. Being six-foot four, people always ask me if I play basketball. “Ha ha, no.” I tell them. “I want to be a jockey.” That normally shuts people up. They either find my sarcasm funny, or they don’t know what a jockey is. End. As I was saying, you don’t have to be little to join The Little Riders. You don’t have to even be a rider for that matter. We would like you to be though. Because, if you aren’t, then you won’t be able to participate in anything this club stands for or believes in.

Motto: ADVENTURE!

Team Prayer: God, keep us safe, give us strength, keep us safe. AMEN

Goal: Tour de Irving

Government: Just like church. Elder led. Jose is head elder. I am the other one. No title.

Little Riders Lingo: Overdrive – third gear. Stealth – second gear. Climb – first gear.

Upon reading our motto, let  me tell you of some of our adventures as of late……

First Ride. We decide to take it easy since, it is my first time. Our first trip we ride six miles. This is a very good pace for beginners. It was glorious. Relaxed. Beautiful scenery. Just good old-fashioned fun. On our second ride for that day, we ride another ten miles. On our way, we battle a skunk. We won. Now, I realize that some readers reading this might be big fans of skunks. So when I say that we battled a skunk, what I mean is that we raced one. While we were riding we see this little, black ball running along the trail. As we approach, we realize what it is. Skunk. We then kick it into overdrive and ride as fast as we can. We didn’t know if the skunk was in attack mode or just running along the trail. It doesn’t matter. We won. Total distance: 16 miles

Second Ride. We decide to pick it up a bit for this ride. We didn’t know when to stop. So we kept going. We were having a really good time until we saw them. Dogs. Big ones. So we went to battle. Now, I realize that some readers reading this might be big fans of dogs. So when I say we battled the dogs, what I mean is that we ran for our lives. We kicked it into overdrive and made a u-turn. The intense wide, but fast u-turn led us into the forest. It was very hard to go fast while riding over mountainous terrain, and logs, and leaves, and grass. But, once back  on trail, we turn it on. I almost got bit. It was scary. I’m not going to lie about that. Dogs won. Total distance: around 30 miles.

Third Ride. We try a new trail this time. When we get there though the gate is closed. Trail off-limits. Do we let that stop us? No, of course not. Why would I build it up with a question like that just to say yes. Once we passed the point of no return, the gate, we head out. As soon as we start we see a spy plane from the local government department of parks and recreation. Now, this might not be true, because I highly doubt that the local government department of parks and recreation has a spy plane that catches night riders.  Regardless, we battled it. Jose and I kicked it into stealth mode and stayed in the shadows. We never saw it again. Win for the Little Riders. Take that parks and recreation…..(I don’t think anybody really cares about the parks and recreation department so I”m not going to defend it.) We continue on. Honestly there’s nothing like riding under a major highway overpass. There’s jut something about the night breeze and the crickets and the frogs and the cars zooming over your heads at deathly speeds. It’s from the Lord. Everyone should experience it. On our way home, we have to cross a major intersection. HONK. HONK. I turn around and see two cholos in a pick up truck. We battle them. Now, I realize that some readers reading this blog might be big fans of cholos. So when I say we battled the cholos, I really mean we had spat of words.  “Hey man, ya’ll look kinda gay wearing the same color shirts.” (me) “Oh, we’re just wearing what we have.” (the cholo) “Hey man I’m just looking out for you.” he says as points his finger at me and does one of those clicking sounds with his mouth. “Oh, thanks man I appreciate it.” Yes, we were both wearing teal shirts. It’s good to wear those colors at night because, they are reflective. It was just what we had at the time. Outcome of battle: stalemate. Nobody won. Total distance: unknown???

So, there you have it. If you want to be apart of our adventures, please do. No registration needed. Only a bike. And a will.

Hawkboy

So I think I need to do a little back drop. Honestly, I’m embarrassed I like a band named Hawkboy. Yes it is a band. Cody Bonnette and Aaron Lunsford (formerly As Cities Burn, my favorite band) make up Hawkboy. They just released an EP tonight, so I decided to write a review.

The first song is called “2 Bit”. This song is about the rapture. Honestly, its terrible theology. I don’t really feel this is the place to go into it, but when they say  the reason for someone being “left behind” was because they were a bas@#$!……… Enough said. Musically however, it is phenomenal. Guitar driven, Cody is one to “experiment” I would say with his guitar parts. He doesn’t settle. He is all over the place. Enough said.

The second song is called “Scoundrel”. Cody and Aaron have definitely taken a more “indie” approach with this project. A lot of crunchy guitar work mixed with underlying synth for this one. Layered vocals with a soaring melody really compliment his voice in this song. The one complaint about this song is the end. I hate it when bands stretch out the outro with some sound, or something that add’s nothing to the song. I’m not a patient man……and I really want that extra play count on my iTunes, so hurry up.

The third song is actually my favorite. “Mother London” has a lot to offer. It’s definitely more along the lines of “Hell or High Water”, As Cities Burn third CD. It starts off with what I would say a very beautiful guitar riff. Then right into his faster paced theme. Lyrically I don’t know whats going on yet but it’s just a very catchy song.

The last song on the EP is called “Damnkneesya”. It’s their deep thinker song. However, once again I’m not so sure what they’re addressing. Honestly I think it is too soon to tell. If it is in regards to salvation however, once again I think I would have to disagree. Only because, on my own, I would never choose Christ. He graciously chose me.  I’ll let you decide with this lyric, “Can I make you a believer. It’s you, no deceiver. Did you find puppet strings or the truth. Our hands and feet have freedom. The way has not been laid out. Don’t be afraid of the choice. Your really free don’t you know.”

Over all I was a little disappointed with this effort. One thing that stood out to me about As Cities Burn was their rich deep lyrical content. Hawkboy, not so much. However musically, they never fail to impress, excite or thrill. Cody and Aaron have such amazing chemistry. You can hear it in As Cities Burn, and nothing was lost in the transition. When Cody quiets down, Aaron’s drums carry us through. Then both back at it again. They are my inspiration……musically any ways.

Fake Friends That Are Very Real #1: Jose Trevino

Now, the title should read, “Fake Friends That Are Very Real”, period. Not “#1”, because that would insinuate that I have more than one very real fake friend. Which I don’t. I don’t even have one for that matter. Let me explain.
One of my best friends is Jose Trevino. He’s like my brother. I love and care for him very much, therefore I talk about him a lot. Until recently, none of my other friends had ever met Jose, and yet even after having met him, they denied that they ever did.

Jose was a friend from high school, whereas all of my other friends are from college. For some reason, the two never mixed. So for years it went like this: “Oh sorry, I can’t hang out, I’m going to Jose’s.” No one ever questioned it. There was no reason too. Then out of the blue, they did. Some got suspicious. They started asking around. My friends realized that no one had actually ever met this mysterious Jose Trevino. Conspiracy theories rise and fall. However, one sticks:

Jose Trevino is not real.

He’s just someone who I made up so I could get out of hanging out with people. “Oh, I was out at Jose’s” really means, “I was hanging out by myself because I don’t like you guys”. A friend of mine went public with this theory at a social gathering, and everyone jumped on the band wagon like they do when the local sports team that nobody cares about  starts doing well; like a kid on an ice cream sundae on a hot summer day; like a fat kid on an ice cream sundae any day. The list of bad analogies go on, and so do the rumors. I actually had the opportunity to invite one of my friends over, the one who started the rumor actually, to meet Jose. He did come over. He did meet Jose. His wife met Jose.”Finally, it’s over” I thought, only to find out that he was telling everyone I hired an actor to come and play Jose Trevino. And of course, everyone believed him. No one to this day has met Jose Trevino, except Joey Richardson. “Wait, who’s Joey Richardson? Has anyone met Joey Richardson?…….”

Theory 1

(Optional- Read while listening to Seventeen Years by Ratatat)

Probably my most famous life theory, as my good friend Chelsea calls it, is Placebo Affect. Yes that’s right everybody, Placebo. Let me catch everybody up if you don’t know what I am talking about. Scientifically speaking, a placebo pill is something doctors would give patients just to soothe their conscience. “Oh man I’m taking this new pill for my Osteochondrodysplasias and now I’m all better!” However the doctors would just give them a simple sugar pill. And these people were being transformed by the power of their mind! Sounds crazy but serious. There’s even been some studies and reports of cancer being cured from placebo pills. Any way, it can be easily conceived as a theory. For instance, my roommate brought up the subject of how it is faster when you ride in the front of a roller coaster. A highly popular belief. However, using logic, you will realize that this is impossible. Placebo Affect. Also I believe that being ticklish is Placebo Affect. Think about it, you can’t tickle yourself. Maybe it’s the mystery of not knowing where their hands are gonna go. Maybe its the awkwardness of somebody else touching your armpits or the back of your leg. Or maybe its in your head. Placebo Affect.

So if you agree and like the idea of Placebo Affect, I would ask that you spread. Spread it like its cancer…… And then give them a placebo pill to cure it.